Life After Meth …

A couple of days ago - I was talking to my baby sister on the telephone. 

I don’t remember what we were talking about in particular.  But something she said did stick in my mind.  She commented on how trusting I was and how paranoid she is.  Now believe me the whole family knows how paranoid she is.  Yet I had never really thought about me and trust …

She’s right - I am quite trusting.

Trust has always been something Craig and I shared deeply.  Which is probably why we’ve been able to stay married for so darn long (28 years this past October.)  The only time he ever lied to me, was the first time I asked him if he was doing Meth.   The second time I asked him he told the truth.  I wasn’t sure how my trustful nature was going to play out  from that day forward?  In all honesty my trust for Craig never diminished.  I don’t know why it didn’t diminish.  I suppose he’s quite lucky it didn’t diminish.  (And no I’m not stupid.)  Having faith and trust in people is just in my nature.  Trust is a tricky thing though …

How are you with trust?  Is it easy or difficult for you?  

I decided to write about my faith, God, and religion - Yet I LOVE to talk face to face about my spirituality … odd isn’t it?  I think when I share something intimate like personal faith - I need eye contact from the listener for validation.  Or something like that.  I’m not sure?  Writing about this topic is still kind of new to me.  Anyhow, nervous itchy skin and all - I’m pressing forward with my little story!

As a child did you ever read the Dr. Seuss book Horton Hears A Who?  If you haven’t - I’ll condense the story down for you.  Horton is an elephant that hears a sound from a small speck of dust - soon realizing it is a tiny planet with tiny little inhabitants.  These little citizens of the dust speck planet ask Horton to protect them and he agrees, stating that, “A person’s a person no matter how small.“  Horton is tormented and caged by his peers for believing in something they can neither hear or see.  Horton has to convince the tiny dust inhabitants to make themselves heard by the others … or they are all doomed.  They try - and it literally takes the contribution of the tiniest dust inhabitant to make their collective sound audible to Horton’s peers.  Which validates Horton’s statement a person’s a person no matter how small.

Now your probably wondering why the heck I’m babbling on about Dr. Seuss, Horton, and a speck of dust.  Well … to a little 4 year old Catholic girl - this story spoke to me!  To me it said that we are all a part of something bigger.  At the time it’s text and illustrations simplified the very big concept of God for me …

… My faith continued to grow from that moment on!

A faith that has helped me through some very dark moments in my life - a faith that helped sustain hope for a better tomorrow.

I really believe life after meth has to include some sort of belief in a higher power!

I don’t care what zip code your higher power lives in as long as you believe in something bigger than yourself! 

(Not a statement you’d expect from a good little Catholic girl like myself.) 

But really - it’s not my place to convert anyone. 

I just know that believing in God has certainly helped me through my darkest moments.

dawn 

Today was a dramatic one for Craig and his co-workers.

A fellow employee & friend is probably going to lose his job.

By all accounts he is a decent guy - but apparently he drinks. 

(I’m not sure what end of the spectrum he falls under for consumption.)

Anyway on with the rest of the story …

Craig & his co-workers are required to undergo random drug testing.

Which is a known aspect of their job.

The previously mentioned fellow blew dirty for alcohol sometime in the past and was given a second chance.

I’m fine with this - people make errors in judgment and MESS-UP …

Knowing that he was on his second chance, today he blew dirty AGAIN!

The consequence for this result is probably going to be dismissal.

Right now he is on suspension.

The whole city street department is in an uproar.

Some of the people want him to get yet another chance.

Others are more along the lines of what was he thinking?

I know he is a nice guy - but so what?

He already received a second chance … yet was willing to make a behavior choice that risked losing his job!

I have compassion for him - but no sympathy.

Why don’t people realize behavior choices have consequences?

by dawn

All the self-help books & guru’s  talk about fighting fair in a relationship.  Which is terrific in theory - but can be a bit difficult in practice.  Last night Craig and I practiced …

My side:

At the time of the fight - I thought I was irritated at his motorcycle getting left behind at my sister & brother-in-law’s house Saturday night.  This was now Monday night and we still hadn’t picked it up.  I didn’t think it was cool to be taking up space in their garage with all the winter weather we were getting.  Apparently I communicated my thoughts a bit ‘naggy’ and Craig didn’t appreciate it!

His side:

Saturday night at the family get together & meal, he decided to stay longer than I.   He was having fun playing board games with some of my family. During this time - the weather got crappy.  The temperature dropped and heavy snow started coming down.  (Not exactly prime for bringing his bike home.)  So he got a ride home from my brother-in-law.  Then 9pm that night he got called in to work a 16 hour shift at the city street department for snow removal.  Then home for 8 hours and back in for almost another 16 hours.  Which leads us to Monday night.  When his FATHER (Who recently divorced his mother after 50 years of marriage to marry a younger woman calls.)

Conclusion:

After our mutual temper tantrums Monday night - we went and got the bike home.  When we got back in our house … we sort of found our own quiet spaces for awhile.  Then we talked.  He admitted he wasn’t really all that annoyed with me wanting to get the bike home - it was the call from his dad.  I admitted even though I loved him spending time with my family - I was a little frustrated he stayed so much later than me.  I felt ditched. After saying what was really bothering us … we were over it.  Honesty in communication - fair fighting!  As Borat would say, “Very Nice!”

by dawn

It took me awhile to come to terms with Craig’s confession of drug use & subsequent rehab.  It was a lot of information to digest - a lot of feelings to process.  Something that took me a little by surprise, was the extremely harsh judgments of others.  Not just from acquaintances, but friends and family.  I wasn’t ready for that!

I was under the false impression -

• That people would want Craig to succeed at rehabilitation.
• That people would want our family & marriage to survive intact.
• That they would wish us happiness & health.

The reality was many didn’t, including Craig’s family.  But as we both learned through this whole process - it’s out of our control.  People are entitled to their opinions.  It was kind of interesting to see whom our real friends were - where our emotional support did come from!

I guess what I’m trying to spit out, is during the recovery process, be ready for some harsh judgments.  Because they will come.  And it might surprise you where they come from.  But you might also be equally surprised, by where your support comes from!  

~ by dawn (a.k.a. iowahippiechick)

When Craig and I met as teenagers, we were both very athletic.  He was an avid weightlifter.  I was into working out and teaching aerobics.  (When I was even younger - I taught Karate classes.)  This was a huge part of our identities.  It was also something we let careers, children, and middle age, steal from us.

During Craig’s rehab and recovery, we prioritized improving our health habits.  Exercise and healthier eating had to become a consistent part of our everyday life.  This was something that would end up being huge in Craig’s success!

With our backgrounds, you’d think it would have been easy to incorporate healthier habits, into our new beginning lifestyle.  Well you’d be wrong - it wasn’t easy.  Even in recovery life has a way of making change hard.  At first I was all gung ho.  Then I’d start to lose steam & he’d get into it.  We kind of did this flip flop thing for quite a few months, then one day, we were finally on the same page.  We were doing daily walks through George Wyth State park (3-miles).  We cut out the fast food, completely.  The sporadic use of our treadmill, turned into daily use by both of us.  Small changes, that started to yield big results.

Here are some other small steps towards health & happiness:

1. Eat an apple before lunch.  It will fill you up with healthy & tasty fiber, helping you to eat less calories.
2. Brush your teeth with your other hand.  Using your non-dominant hand can improve you mood & memory.
3. Drink filtered coffee.  Unfiltered coffee is linked to higher levels of cholesterol.
4. Have a few walnuts.  Try eating an ounce a day.  They contain liver healthy omega -3s.
5. Wake up with a plan.  Jump in the shower & try to remember yesterday’s headlines.  Physical and mental activity will activate your brain!
6. Practice the phrase “I forgive you.”  Choosing to forgive helps us see a situation through understanding and compassion.  By making a problem yours to forgive, regardless of the behavior of the other person, you’re giving yourself a profound degree of control.
7. Purge toxic possessions.  Peter Walsh, from TLC’s Clean Sweep, says, “Dwelling on regrets and negative memories fuels depression, which is why clearing out the tangible reminders can give you a lift.”
8. Stand on the balls of your feet.  Simply shifting your weight to the balls of your feet will help you feel more grounded, if your having a tough conversation.
9. Take ten minutes for daydreaming.  When your stumped on a problem, the best way to solve it is to let your mind wander.

(This list was excerpted from Sara Reistad-Long’s article in the November issue of O magazine, titled Small Changes, Big Results .)

~ by dawn (a.k.a.  iowahippiechick)

I know that doesn’t sound romantic, or sexy, but reality is marriage takes work. Especially when a partner makes a messed up choice - like getting involved with drugs!  But for me … him making a mistake wasn’t a deal breaker. The deal breaker would be  him not correcting the mistake.

Neither one of us has ever been afraid of hard work - emotional or physical.  And correcting meth addiction was a lot of both, for both of us.  I think at one point or another, we both felt like that little hamster lifting the barbell & weights.  Overwhelmed, but with an, “I’m gonna do it” spirit.

After 24 years of marriage, you just don’t toss somebody aside!  My momma raised me better than that.  And his family (the root of 90% of his issues) was horrible.  His mother literally told me to kick him to the curb.  His family had zero participation in his recovery - zero!

They were too involved in building their wealth, infidelity, and avoiding any emotion whatsoever.  But do you want to hear some youthful wisdom, that our oldest son told him?  He told his dad, “Your family doesn’t deserve you!“

Simple, sincere, and it caught my husband’s attention.

He began to shift his focus from the past hurts from his family … towards today & tomorrow.

Recovery is work - hard work.  Not just for the user … but for the spouse, children, and loved ones.  It is so worth it though!  Our marriage, and family, regained the joy & hope for the future  - that we had lost for a couple of years.

My husband was addicted to methamphetamine.   His addiction was a self destructive behavior that had collateral damage.  Namely, me and our two sons.  This addiction should have destroyed our marriage and our family.  But with a lot of understanding & work - we have survived and even thrived!

The beginning of the healing started with his confession.  Revealing his secret was one of the hardest things he had ever done.  He thought by confessing his drug abuse, he would lose me & the boys forever.  I, on the other hand, was relieved to know the truth.  This revelation explained the ridiculous chaos  that had taken over his life.  But right then - I wasn’t sure what our future held.

It was a pivotal point in our lives …

Destruction or the beginning of a new chapter. Choices and decisions by all of us, would decide our path.

Obviously,  he would have to take the lead by being pro-active in choosing to get professional help.

But if you know anyone who has abused themselves with methamphetamine, you know what master manipulators they can be.  He tried the whole, “I can quit by myself,” routine.

It didn’t work with me. Because I may have been naive, but I was not stupid.  Immediately he realized - it was lose absolutely everyone he treasured & held dear. Or go to rehab.

He chose rehab …

During this very bumpy and emotional time, we survived by God’s Grace.  There is no other way to explain it.

Because it was a horrible time.

For me and the boys, there were feelings of anger, betrayal, disappointment, and resentment.  For him, there were the same feelings compounded with guilt.

Hard as this time was - he & I learned a lot.

First - the power of forgiveness.  I had to forgive him, for hurting me and our sons.  He had to forgive himself, and the people who had hurt him, in his past.

Second - the fact we truly, only, have control over ourselves.  As much as we would all like to delude ourselves, about the power of our influence, it does not equal control over others.  Realizing this is quite freeing.  It takes a lot of the stress out of life …

Which leads me to the third thing he & I learned - prioritizing.

We took an inventory of our values, hopes, dreams.  Then used this information to set our goals.  Goals and the necessary lifestyle changes for him to be successful with rehab.

He will always be an addict … but a recovering addict.

As of November 25th, 2008 - clean for four years.

We are enjoying this new chapter in our lives …

Hopefully, the knowledge we have gained through this experience - Has given us the tools to keep life after methamphetamine … Healthy & Happy!