Life After Meth …

It’s a good thing I don’t have to deal with too many live human beings today …

Because I am in a real pissy mood!

I think what really threw me off -

Was right after my surgery I felt pretty darn good.

Those first two days at home were fine.

But then the morphine they had put in my spinal fluid wore off.

And I woke up to one big OUCH of pain!

And besides that …

I’m feeling sorry for myself -

That the pathology came back finding cancer cells.

Bitch cancer!

(And since they took my ovaries … it’s instant menopause for me too!)

GEEZ …

I’m cranky, pissy, and sore!

Thank God Craig has been such a doll baby!

He took time off work to stay home and care for me.

And he did an awesome job of it!

It sort of freaked me out a little …

I didn’t know he had it in him!

It must be LOVE!

dawn (a.k.a. iowahippiechick)

Something I’ve been meaning to write about is gut instincts. 

Those funny little feelings that tell your stomach something is true - even if your heart doesn’t want to believe it. 

I had those gut feelings about Craig using.  But after being married for over two decades - I wanted to believe my heart more …

Even though I would not consider myself an enabler.  I did justify to myself not following up on my gut instincts:

1. He’s not spending any money on it.
2. He’s a night owl … with an erratic work schedule.
3. He’s always been a sort of wild & crazy personality type.
4. He’s not getting skinny.
   
5. He’s not displaying any of the ‘typical’ signs of meth use.

But you know what?  Facts are facts.  He was using anyway - just like my gut instinct was trying to tell me.  I should have listen more quickly.  It would have possibly saved myself, our sons, and even Craig some pain.  Or maybe not - I don’t know?  But I do know that I will always be more vigilant at listening to my gut instincts. 

Because if I think it’s true … it’s probably true!

Can you guess that I’m talking about my husband Craig?

Yes … he is the one!  I suddenly realized last week - how glorious it is to actually have him living his life as  a responsible adult.  Even though he has been clean for a bit over 4 years.  Change can be subtle (His behavior changes.)  Especially when you are talking about a sort of wild & crazy personality type to begin with.  But you know what?  The man has changed!  He is dealing with being a grown-up in a grown-up world.  In other words … behaving responsible.  And actually quite compassionately!

I first truly noticed it a few weeks ago.  When we had to put to sleep one of our beloved black lab dogs.  We had Fugee (the black lab)  for over 11 years, and his cancer had taken a toll.  It was time to release him from his pain.  We had never had to do anything like this before.  I really thought I was going to be the only ’strong’ one, to be with Fugee while the Vet administered the shot.  But bless Craig’s heart … he stayed in the room with us.  He cried as he comforted Fugee.  He cried as he comforted me.  He was willing to deal with a hard reality of our life.  A huge change from when he was using … huge!

Then last week - I was informed that I have to have a full hysterectomy.  With a distinct possibility of already having cancer.  My surgery is this coming Monday.  (When he was using, this would have more than likely set him off.)  But not now!  He is being wonderfully supportive of me and my needs during this ordeal.  An incredible change in his behavior choices!

It’s truly nice having another responsible adult in the house. 

I’m so proud of him! 

Life is sweet … even through the difficult times!!!

dawn

A couple of days ago - I was talking to my baby sister on the telephone. 

I don’t remember what we were talking about in particular.  But something she said did stick in my mind.  She commented on how trusting I was and how paranoid she is.  Now believe me the whole family knows how paranoid she is.  Yet I had never really thought about me and trust …

She’s right - I am quite trusting.

Trust has always been something Craig and I shared deeply.  Which is probably why we’ve been able to stay married for so darn long (28 years this past October.)  The only time he ever lied to me, was the first time I asked him if he was doing Meth.   The second time I asked him he told the truth.  I wasn’t sure how my trustful nature was going to play out  from that day forward?  In all honesty my trust for Craig never diminished.  I don’t know why it didn’t diminish.  I suppose he’s quite lucky it didn’t diminish.  (And no I’m not stupid.)  Having faith and trust in people is just in my nature.  Trust is a tricky thing though …

How are you with trust?  Is it easy or difficult for you?  

I decided to write about my faith, God, and religion - Yet I LOVE to talk face to face about my spirituality … odd isn’t it?  I think when I share something intimate like personal faith - I need eye contact from the listener for validation.  Or something like that.  I’m not sure?  Writing about this topic is still kind of new to me.  Anyhow, nervous itchy skin and all - I’m pressing forward with my little story!

As a child did you ever read the Dr. Seuss book Horton Hears A Who?  If you haven’t - I’ll condense the story down for you.  Horton is an elephant that hears a sound from a small speck of dust - soon realizing it is a tiny planet with tiny little inhabitants.  These little citizens of the dust speck planet ask Horton to protect them and he agrees, stating that, “A person’s a person no matter how small.“  Horton is tormented and caged by his peers for believing in something they can neither hear or see.  Horton has to convince the tiny dust inhabitants to make themselves heard by the others … or they are all doomed.  They try - and it literally takes the contribution of the tiniest dust inhabitant to make their collective sound audible to Horton’s peers.  Which validates Horton’s statement a person’s a person no matter how small.

Now your probably wondering why the heck I’m babbling on about Dr. Seuss, Horton, and a speck of dust.  Well … to a little 4 year old Catholic girl - this story spoke to me!  To me it said that we are all a part of something bigger.  At the time it’s text and illustrations simplified the very big concept of God for me …

… My faith continued to grow from that moment on!

A faith that has helped me through some very dark moments in my life - a faith that helped sustain hope for a better tomorrow.

I really believe life after meth has to include some sort of belief in a higher power!

I don’t care what zip code your higher power lives in as long as you believe in something bigger than yourself! 

(Not a statement you’d expect from a good little Catholic girl like myself.) 

But really - it’s not my place to convert anyone. 

I just know that believing in God has certainly helped me through my darkest moments.

dawn 

It took me awhile to come to terms with Craig’s confession of drug use & subsequent rehab.  It was a lot of information to digest - a lot of feelings to process.  Something that took me a little by surprise, was the extremely harsh judgments of others.  Not just from acquaintances, but friends and family.  I wasn’t ready for that!

I was under the false impression -

• That people would want Craig to succeed at rehabilitation.
• That people would want our family & marriage to survive intact.
• That they would wish us happiness & health.

The reality was many didn’t, including Craig’s family.  But as we both learned through this whole process - it’s out of our control.  People are entitled to their opinions.  It was kind of interesting to see whom our real friends were - where our emotional support did come from!

I guess what I’m trying to spit out, is during the recovery process, be ready for some harsh judgments.  Because they will come.  And it might surprise you where they come from.  But you might also be equally surprised, by where your support comes from!  

~ by dawn (a.k.a. iowahippiechick)

I know that doesn’t sound romantic, or sexy, but reality is marriage takes work. Especially when a partner makes a messed up choice - like getting involved with drugs!  But for me … him making a mistake wasn’t a deal breaker. The deal breaker would be  him not correcting the mistake.

Neither one of us has ever been afraid of hard work - emotional or physical.  And correcting meth addiction was a lot of both, for both of us.  I think at one point or another, we both felt like that little hamster lifting the barbell & weights.  Overwhelmed, but with an, “I’m gonna do it” spirit.

After 24 years of marriage, you just don’t toss somebody aside!  My momma raised me better than that.  And his family (the root of 90% of his issues) was horrible.  His mother literally told me to kick him to the curb.  His family had zero participation in his recovery - zero!

They were too involved in building their wealth, infidelity, and avoiding any emotion whatsoever.  But do you want to hear some youthful wisdom, that our oldest son told him?  He told his dad, “Your family doesn’t deserve you!“

Simple, sincere, and it caught my husband’s attention.

He began to shift his focus from the past hurts from his family … towards today & tomorrow.

Recovery is work - hard work.  Not just for the user … but for the spouse, children, and loved ones.  It is so worth it though!  Our marriage, and family, regained the joy & hope for the future  - that we had lost for a couple of years.