Life After Meth …

It’s a good thing I don’t have to deal with too many live human beings today …

Because I am in a real pissy mood!

I think what really threw me off -

Was right after my surgery I felt pretty darn good.

Those first two days at home were fine.

But then the morphine they had put in my spinal fluid wore off.

And I woke up to one big OUCH of pain!

And besides that …

I’m feeling sorry for myself -

That the pathology came back finding cancer cells.

Bitch cancer!

(And since they took my ovaries … it’s instant menopause for me too!)

GEEZ …

I’m cranky, pissy, and sore!

Thank God Craig has been such a doll baby!

He took time off work to stay home and care for me.

And he did an awesome job of it!

It sort of freaked me out a little …

I didn’t know he had it in him!

It must be LOVE!

dawn (a.k.a. iowahippiechick)

Awhile back … Yahoo Personals had an interesting article on the seven things no one tells you about marriage. The list included:

1. You will look at this person lying next to you and wonder, is this it? Forever?
2. You’ll work harder than you ever imagined.
3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (an maybe wake up even madder).
4. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.
5. A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict, it simply means a couple is trying to get it right.
6. You’ll realize you can only change yourself.
7. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what your really made of.

This is a very accurate list.  And you should read the full article to find out more on each of their bullet points - Click here.

I thought it was a really good read … because it was about the REAL stuff in marriage. 

The stuff that is not always easy, or fun, and actually involves work. 

What did you think of the article?

Something I’ve been meaning to write about is gut instincts. 

Those funny little feelings that tell your stomach something is true - even if your heart doesn’t want to believe it. 

I had those gut feelings about Craig using.  But after being married for over two decades - I wanted to believe my heart more …

Even though I would not consider myself an enabler.  I did justify to myself not following up on my gut instincts:

1. He’s not spending any money on it.
2. He’s a night owl … with an erratic work schedule.
3. He’s always been a sort of wild & crazy personality type.
4. He’s not getting skinny.
   
5. He’s not displaying any of the ‘typical’ signs of meth use.

But you know what?  Facts are facts.  He was using anyway - just like my gut instinct was trying to tell me.  I should have listen more quickly.  It would have possibly saved myself, our sons, and even Craig some pain.  Or maybe not - I don’t know?  But I do know that I will always be more vigilant at listening to my gut instincts. 

Because if I think it’s true … it’s probably true!

Can you guess that I’m talking about my husband Craig?

Yes … he is the one!  I suddenly realized last week - how glorious it is to actually have him living his life as  a responsible adult.  Even though he has been clean for a bit over 4 years.  Change can be subtle (His behavior changes.)  Especially when you are talking about a sort of wild & crazy personality type to begin with.  But you know what?  The man has changed!  He is dealing with being a grown-up in a grown-up world.  In other words … behaving responsible.  And actually quite compassionately!

I first truly noticed it a few weeks ago.  When we had to put to sleep one of our beloved black lab dogs.  We had Fugee (the black lab)  for over 11 years, and his cancer had taken a toll.  It was time to release him from his pain.  We had never had to do anything like this before.  I really thought I was going to be the only ’strong’ one, to be with Fugee while the Vet administered the shot.  But bless Craig’s heart … he stayed in the room with us.  He cried as he comforted Fugee.  He cried as he comforted me.  He was willing to deal with a hard reality of our life.  A huge change from when he was using … huge!

Then last week - I was informed that I have to have a full hysterectomy.  With a distinct possibility of already having cancer.  My surgery is this coming Monday.  (When he was using, this would have more than likely set him off.)  But not now!  He is being wonderfully supportive of me and my needs during this ordeal.  An incredible change in his behavior choices!

It’s truly nice having another responsible adult in the house. 

I’m so proud of him! 

Life is sweet … even through the difficult times!!!

dawn

Is an idea Craig and I learned from his rehab and therapy … And was quite helpful for both of us.  Basically what it boils down to, is letting go of all the Should-Have-Beens, so many of us hold on to. 

You know what I’m talking about - don’t you?  The “I should have saved $100K by now.“  Or the “I should have been in upper management by now.“

For Craig, it was all about being a real estate guy.   Besides his day job of course.  Since childhood he had been groomed to buy, rehab, and rent out properties.  Building his fortune via real estate.  Which is awesome, and we did this for two decades.  The upside being it supplemented our income during this time period.  But the down side was an emotional and physical burnout, for Craig partially contributing to his drug abuse …

He eventually realized he didn’t want to do real estate anymore.   So, he had to formulate a new vision for his future.  Long story short … he had to rewrite his story.  Furthermore - we had to rewrite OUR story. 

It’s kind of exciting in a way - new beginnings and all. 

(The potential of possibilities can be a pretty cool thing!)

It’s a New Year …

The perfect time to let go of your ‘Should-Have-Beens’ and rewrite your story … because there is life after meth!

Best wishes for a healthy and prosperous 2009 New Yea!! 

dawn

A couple of days ago - I was talking to my baby sister on the telephone. 

I don’t remember what we were talking about in particular.  But something she said did stick in my mind.  She commented on how trusting I was and how paranoid she is.  Now believe me the whole family knows how paranoid she is.  Yet I had never really thought about me and trust …

She’s right - I am quite trusting.

Trust has always been something Craig and I shared deeply.  Which is probably why we’ve been able to stay married for so darn long (28 years this past October.)  The only time he ever lied to me, was the first time I asked him if he was doing Meth.   The second time I asked him he told the truth.  I wasn’t sure how my trustful nature was going to play out  from that day forward?  In all honesty my trust for Craig never diminished.  I don’t know why it didn’t diminish.  I suppose he’s quite lucky it didn’t diminish.  (And no I’m not stupid.)  Having faith and trust in people is just in my nature.  Trust is a tricky thing though …

How are you with trust?  Is it easy or difficult for you?  

All the self-help books & guru’s  talk about fighting fair in a relationship.  Which is terrific in theory - but can be a bit difficult in practice.  Last night Craig and I practiced …

My side:

At the time of the fight - I thought I was irritated at his motorcycle getting left behind at my sister & brother-in-law’s house Saturday night.  This was now Monday night and we still hadn’t picked it up.  I didn’t think it was cool to be taking up space in their garage with all the winter weather we were getting.  Apparently I communicated my thoughts a bit ‘naggy’ and Craig didn’t appreciate it!

His side:

Saturday night at the family get together & meal, he decided to stay longer than I.   He was having fun playing board games with some of my family. During this time - the weather got crappy.  The temperature dropped and heavy snow started coming down.  (Not exactly prime for bringing his bike home.)  So he got a ride home from my brother-in-law.  Then 9pm that night he got called in to work a 16 hour shift at the city street department for snow removal.  Then home for 8 hours and back in for almost another 16 hours.  Which leads us to Monday night.  When his FATHER (Who recently divorced his mother after 50 years of marriage to marry a younger woman calls.)

Conclusion:

After our mutual temper tantrums Monday night - we went and got the bike home.  When we got back in our house … we sort of found our own quiet spaces for awhile.  Then we talked.  He admitted he wasn’t really all that annoyed with me wanting to get the bike home - it was the call from his dad.  I admitted even though I loved him spending time with my family - I was a little frustrated he stayed so much later than me.  I felt ditched. After saying what was really bothering us … we were over it.  Honesty in communication - fair fighting!  As Borat would say, “Very Nice!”

by dawn